How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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