I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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