I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
