i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
