Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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