I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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