could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
