Buhtt sex?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
