We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
