I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
