I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
