He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
