He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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