I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
