My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
