That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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