Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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