Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
