dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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