omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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