I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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