The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
We got so high we made milksteak
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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