I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
