life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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