Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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