did you get engaged???
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
