Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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