just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
