My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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