my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
