I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
