I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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