I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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