Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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