Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
