Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
