I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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