Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
