Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
