he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
