I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Sacagawea was the original milf.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
