I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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