the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
