I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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