So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
