I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
