Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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