chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
