I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
