People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
