but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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